Sharings - The Funnybone

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THE FUNNYBONE

To See Or......

My Face In The Mirror Isn't Wrinkled or Drawn
My house Isn't Dirty
The Cobwebs Are Gone
My Garden Looks Lovely
And So Does My Lawn
I think I Might Never Put My Glasses Back On.

Bumper Stickers

        *Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
        *Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
        *I brake for no apparent reason.
        *Horn broken. Watch for finger.
        *Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
        *Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
        *We have enough youth, how about a Fountain of Smart?
        *He who laughs last - thinks slowest.
        *I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
        *Sometimes I wake up grumpy - Other times I let her sleep.
        *I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
        *Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
        *OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
        *Few women admit their age...Fewer men act it.
        *A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
        *CAUTION: I drive like you do.

Things To Think About

So what's the speed of dark?
Last night I played a blank tape full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Isn't Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak?
How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" when they already know you don't have any?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adore?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
If Superman could stop bullets with his chest, why did he always duck when someone threw a gun at him?
Why does lemon juice contain "artificial ingredients" but dishwashing liquid contains "real lemons"?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Is boneless chicken considered an invertebrate?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

Advice for the Weary...

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and ...
Follow your dreams! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just leave me alone.

In The Hills...

Some hot, handsome hackney horses harnessed to a hansom happened to meet a hilarious hare playing the harp and a hawk playing the harmonica, both heavy hearted for the hedgehog had lost his head. High on the hill, a heifer sat humming in a hummock while a hermit crab harassed a hideous hag. On the next hilltop over, a herd of herons played hide-and-seek and the hippopotamuses did the high jump on the hillside. The hummingbirds played horseshoes and the hungry hogs gobbled up hot cakes at the bottom of the hill. And in the mist of all the commotion... the hysterical hyenas did the hurdles with happy faces. -- Julie

Here are some facts of life that sometimes you just have to ask--WHY?

Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says — "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

More...

If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them. (Adlai Stevenson)
Never lend your car to anyone you've given birth to. (Erma Bombeck)
What the country needs are a few labor-making inventions. (Arnold Glasow)
If truth is beauty, how come no one ever has their hair done in a library? (Lily Tomlin)
I confess that I cannot understand how we can plot, lie, cheat and commit murder abroad, and remain humane, honorable, trustworthy and trusted at home. (Archibald Cox)
I don't believe man is woman's natural enemy. Perhaps his lawyer is. (Shana Alexander)
It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor — as long as you've got money. (Joe E. Lewis)
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. (Agatha Christie)
Life is a terminal disease usually caused by birth. Enjoy it while you can. (Greybeard)
To be meek, patient, tactful, modest, honorable, brave, is not to be either manly or womanly; it is to be humane. (Jane Harrison)
To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you're overdoing it. (J. Jenkins)
Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things — not at all like the glaring defects in other people's characters. (Margarte Halsey)
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80, and gradually approach 18. (Mark Twain)
You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself. (Ethel Barrymore)
An "egghead" is a person who stands firmly on both feet in mid-air on both sides of an issue. (Homer Ferguson)
From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents. From 18 to 35, a woman needs good looks. From 35 to 55, she needs a good personality, but from 55 on what she needs is good cash. (Sophie Tucker)
Hell is a place where the motorists are French, the policemen are German, and the cooks are English. (Unknown)
Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses; women for their strengths. (Lois Wyse)
When you're down and out, something always turns up — and it's usually the noses of your "friends". (Orson Welles)
Fashion is something so ugly we have to change it every year. (Oscar Wilde)
"Luck" is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity. (Oprah)
There is no stronger bond of friendship than a mutual enemy. (Frankfort Moore)
Man forgives woman anything EXCEPT the wit to out-wit him. (Minna Antrim)
Bachelors' wives, and old maids' children are always perfect. (Nicolas Chamfort)
If you want a baby, have a new one. Don't baby the old one. (Jessamyn West)
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. (Oscar Wilde)
The idea of strictly minding our own business is mouldy rubbish. Who could be so selfish? (Myrtie Barker.)
Language — a form of organized stutter. (Marshall McLuhan)
It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. (Dolores Ibarruri)
Some are bent with toil; some get crooked trying to avoid it. (Herbert V. Prochnow)

More ...

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is! The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into her stuff.


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