Fear is the one emotion which dominates our life. Every decision we make, every action we take, has an element of fear in it. In this series of lessons, we will learn to identify those fears and their sources, and recognize how they control us.
First, we need to learn just what fear is for we use the word so carelessly. "You scare me". What does that mean? Are you actually afraid for your safety with that person? Scare often means startle, to take by surprise; not to instill fear. A little fear is a good thing. It makes us cautious. It keeps us from taking foolish chances that put us in actual danger. What we will be dealing with here is that degree of fear which makes our knees weak; that makes our hands shake; that draws up like a hot knot in our belly; that makes us break out in a cold sweat; that leaves us cottonmouthed and helpless. The kind of fear that paralyzes us, and destroys our ability to act in our own best interests.
Remember that fear is a learned behavior. None of us is born fearful. It is taught to us by those we love, and by the circumstances and events which happen to us that bring us pain and unhappiness, and which we FEAR will happen again. FEAR IS AN EMOTIONAL RESPONSE TO THE POSSIBILITY OF A THING WHICH MAY HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE. Again — an emotional response to a future possibility.
The first thing we must do is examine our very words, and what we mean by those words. Remember the lesson on "Thoughts"? We create our reality by our thoughts. It is the first step in recognizing how we draw those things we fear to us by our thoughts and our actions. Let's look at an example of how we create and attract our fears to us:
Jane is a single mother with 2 teenagers to support without help from her ex-husband. Like most people today, she exists from paycheck to paycheck. Her greatest fear is losing her job because she is at the age where she might never find another good job in this economy. This fear dominates her life. She even has nightmares about it.
One day when she goes to work, she overhears someone mention company cut backs. She stops dead in her tracks. Her greatest fear! Later that morning, she corners a friend and asks if she heard about the company cut backs. The friend doesn't know what Jane's talking about - she's heard nothing. Jane begins to eavesdrop. She lingers too long at the water cooler and in the break room. She reads mail and memos she sees laying around. She begins to make mistakes in her work.
As the days pass, her fears get worse because no one will tell her anything. That means that she is one of the ones to go! What will she do? She makes a pest of herself bothering people to find out what's going on. She can't concentrate on her work. She has to be told over and over to do the same simple task. She can't sleep. She can't eat. She is in a panic. She begins to get sick. The big boss calls in her supervisor for a conference about Jane's poor work performance. Jane is warned that her work is becoming unsatisfactory, and the supervisor asks if there are problems that she can help with. Instead of confronting her fears and asking about company layoffs, Jane denies that anything is wrong. The offer of assistance is made from the supervisor over and over. Jane turns it away. They're just being nice before the end.
The situation gets so bad that one day the big boss calls her into the office. He tells her that her poor work has begun to cost the company money because of the mistakes and lost time. He says that he simply doesn't understand what has happened because, for years, she was one of their most valued employees — a real asset to the company. He's sorry that she would not accept help for her problems - whatever they are, but the result is that he has to let her go. Her job is over. As she gets up to leave, totally devastated, the boss says: "By the way, Jane. This is an exceptionally sad thing for me to do. Our biggest competitor across town has had some big cut backs in their staff. We're hiring some of their laid off workers, and had you in line to move into a supervisory position. Whatever your problem was, I'm so sorry that you didn't feel you could come to us for help. We wish you well."
Jane had just created a situation that did not exist and in doing so, had drawn her greatest fear to her by her own behavior. She had lost her job.
How many of us do this without ever being aware of it? The time has come to stop. We begin to change our thinking, and our behavior, by recognizing our true fears, and Exercise 3 is designed to help us do just that.
Don't forget: feel free to share your own experiences and thoughts,
and to drop me a note about your reactions and opinions to our endeavors
here. This is truly an inter-active effort, and your words are as important
as mine. meyna@mindspring.com
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