Fear of Love Fear of Love is a terrible thing that many of us suffer from. How did such a thing happen? Are we even aware of it? Let's take a look at its two sides. Fear Of Giving Love Many people are in marriages or long-term relationships with people they truly respect and honor, but — is love there or is it only a surface emotion? These people always hide the true heart. There are enormous shields and walls around the spirit. That sacred place in the soul is never opened and shared as it would be if the union were based on true, unconditional love. Why so much protection? The fear to give love is based in childhood, and sadly enough, often in very early childhood. At some point in the child's development, there was a person who was loved without reservation, trusted with anything and everything, whom the child would have done anything in the world for. That person betrayed that love and trust. This could have been a parent, a brother or sister, a relative, a close friend, a minister, a teacher, or even a neighbor. It was a person that child ran to see with every emotion; good and bad. There was open loving trust and confidence. And it was betrayed. The betrayal could have been in the form of physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional or psychological torment — even vicious story-telling about the child. The result was that the incidents were stored in the child's subconscious mind and became a warning flag. During its growth, every time the emotion of love was felt, the child held back, afraid to trust. Afraid of being betrayed again. This did not get any better as the child grew older, it only got buried deeper and deeper into the psyche until it became an emotional alarm. In adulthood, that same child found it safer to just hold that emotion at arm's length. Wholehearted, true love was never given because the adult child knew the consequences. The heartbreaking pain of betrayal. It just wasn't worth taking the chance. Fear of Being Loved The fear of being loved begins at the same age range we just discussed. This child, however, has seen the fearsome actions which have taken place in the name of "love". Loud, fighting, abusive parents who made up by saying "you know I love you", or words to that effect. The child itself may have beaten - in the name of love. It may have witnessed alcohol and/or drug abuse, a string of boyfriends/girlfriends, divorce, anger, hatred, violence in all its forms. The child may have been subjected to constant belittling, criticism, fault-finding, being blamed for things it did not do, being the scapegoat, the butt of mean and vicious comments and behavior. All of this from family members who were the only measure of "love" the child knew. As that child grew into adulthood, love became a word associated with mean and hateful behavior. The child never knew a kind or positive word, or a loving gesture that did not have emotional pain behind it. The memory of this is just as devasting for it is only another form of emotional and psychological abuse carrying the cover of that terrible word - "Love". Now the adult child grows to maturity and finds itself attracted to others. Immediately, the warning flag rears itself out of the subconscious. Love? No thank you. Don't need it, and certainly don't WANT it. Again, withdrawn relationships held at arms length. If the emotions get too strong, ways are found to break away before more damage is done in the name of love. This person will live their life alone, or in one relationship after another fabricating one excuse after another to avoid a too close involvement. Both of these scenarios are very real and equally tragic. No emotion can equal that of true, longlasting, unconditional love. Yet, there are thousands who never experience this feeling because they have never learned to let the past lie in the past. No one has ever explained that they were the victim. The events of childhood were not their "fault" - they did nothing to cause it or bring it upon themselves. We continue to carry the past on our backs like 50 lb. sacks of stones, and hold every present event and future possibility up to the mirror of that black past. As long as this behavior continues, nothing will ever be "right" or "safe". In exercise #4, we will begin unwinding the fabric of these experiences by learning that it is O.K. to "Let It Go". Don't forget: feel free to share your own experiences and thoughts, and to drop me a note about your reactions and opinions to our endeavors here. This is truly an inter-active effort, and your words are as important as mine. Write to me: meyna@mindspring.com Re-Creating You Main Page Innerspace Main Page Modifications and Maintenance by Wicked Imaging E-Mail to Julia
Fear Of Giving Love
Many people are in marriages or long-term relationships with people they truly respect and honor, but — is love there or is it only a surface emotion? These people always hide the true heart. There are enormous shields and walls around the spirit. That sacred place in the soul is never opened and shared as it would be if the union were based on true, unconditional love. Why so much protection?
The fear to give love is based in childhood, and sadly enough, often in very early childhood. At some point in the child's development, there was a person who was loved without reservation, trusted with anything and everything, whom the child would have done anything in the world for. That person betrayed that love and trust. This could have been a parent, a brother or sister, a relative, a close friend, a minister, a teacher, or even a neighbor. It was a person that child ran to see with every emotion; good and bad. There was open loving trust and confidence. And it was betrayed.
The betrayal could have been in the form of physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional or psychological torment — even vicious story-telling about the child. The result was that the incidents were stored in the child's subconscious mind and became a warning flag. During its growth, every time the emotion of love was felt, the child held back, afraid to trust. Afraid of being betrayed again. This did not get any better as the child grew older, it only got buried deeper and deeper into the psyche until it became an emotional alarm. In adulthood, that same child found it safer to just hold that emotion at arm's length. Wholehearted, true love was never given because the adult child knew the consequences. The heartbreaking pain of betrayal. It just wasn't worth taking the chance.
Fear of Being Loved
The fear of being loved begins at the same age range we just discussed. This child, however, has seen the fearsome actions which have taken place in the name of "love". Loud, fighting, abusive parents who made up by saying "you know I love you", or words to that effect. The child itself may have beaten - in the name of love. It may have witnessed alcohol and/or drug abuse, a string of boyfriends/girlfriends, divorce, anger, hatred, violence in all its forms. The child may have been subjected to constant belittling, criticism, fault-finding, being blamed for things it did not do, being the scapegoat, the butt of mean and vicious comments and behavior. All of this from family members who were the only measure of "love" the child knew. As that child grew into adulthood, love became a word associated with mean and hateful behavior. The child never knew a kind or positive word, or a loving gesture that did not have emotional pain behind it.
The memory of this is just as devasting for it is only another form of emotional and psychological abuse carrying the cover of that terrible word - "Love". Now the adult child grows to maturity and finds itself attracted to others. Immediately, the warning flag rears itself out of the subconscious. Love? No thank you. Don't need it, and certainly don't WANT it. Again, withdrawn relationships held at arms length. If the emotions get too strong, ways are found to break away before more damage is done in the name of love. This person will live their life alone, or in one relationship after another fabricating one excuse after another to avoid a too close involvement.
Both of these scenarios are very real and equally tragic. No emotion can equal that of true, longlasting, unconditional love. Yet, there are thousands who never experience this feeling because they have never learned to let the past lie in the past. No one has ever explained that they were the victim. The events of childhood were not their "fault" - they did nothing to cause it or bring it upon themselves. We continue to carry the past on our backs like 50 lb. sacks of stones, and hold every present event and future possibility up to the mirror of that black past. As long as this behavior continues, nothing will ever be "right" or "safe". In exercise #4, we will begin unwinding the fabric of these experiences by learning that it is O.K. to "Let It Go".
Don't forget: feel free to share your own experiences and thoughts, and to drop me a note about your reactions and opinions to our endeavors here. This is truly an inter-active effort, and your words are as important as mine. Write to me: meyna@mindspring.com
Re-Creating You Main Page