Consider family secrets for a minute. Many times these secrets are held out of shame, anger, fear, ego, pride, or the honest belief that the child would be better off not knowing the truth. An affair, incest, rape, sexual abuse, family members who take in children to raise because the mother is unable to, adoptions, and different cultures living in close proximity to each other have all been contributors to the great family secret.

Here are some clues that may be flags to a hidden heritage:

• Have you always had the restless feeling that you "don't belong"; that something about you is different?
• Do you look different from other members of your family?
• Are your tastes in music and art different from the others?
• Are you uncomfortable with your social environment?
• Are you drawn to ethnic groups, cultures, customs and people that you have never been exposed to, or have very little knowledge of?
• Are there people in your family tree that no one will talk about?
• When you ask questions, are you either ignored, given non-answers, or told it is none of your business?
• Does your family get really up-tight when you try to get information about past generations?
• Is there a restless emptiness in your spirit that nags at you?

When I was young and asked questions about Grandfather, I got hours and hours of stories about his family, about Bavaria, etc., etc. When I asked about Grandmother, I got nothing! Still get nothing. It's as if she were a ghost that had no substance.

When I was a little girl there was no daddy around the house. Mother would get furious when I asked her where he was, and the rest of the family simply ignored my questions. I was in my teens before she finally told me that he was an engineer who had been killed "out west". That was all the information she would ever give me. She swore it was a secret she would take to her grave, and she did. However, when I went through her belongings after she had passed on, I found the whole story. By then, all those who could have helped me had passed on.

I know very well the hole in your soul that is created by these secrets, and the sadness that comes with knowing that half of you is missing. Don't be guilty of withholding information from children. They already know. I'm not suggesting that you should meet the biological parents for tea and crumpets! I'm not suggesting that there is any need for contact at all. I am saying that there is a need for facts, information, and honesty that can give that child a greater understanding of self so that he/she can grow up as a whole person.

If you feel that you are caught up in some sort of family secret, there are some steps you can take for yourself. Now, don't get into a huge family fight, but talk to any older members of your family who will talk to you. Investigate old family Bibles. Talk to ministers, doctors, family friends, teachers, and all those who have long-standing knowledge of your family and its lineage. Be gentle in your search because you truly don't want to cause friction or create a family rift.

Another wonderful tool that is often overlooked is the death certificate. Identify the oldest ancestor you can (usually a grandparent or great-grandparent), and find out where that person died and when. Then write the Bureau of Vital Statistics in that state for a copy of the death certificate. This will give you the name of the parents, and will let you leap backward by generations. It is practically impossible to find birth certificates and marriage licenses in many cases. Death certificates are much easier, and those records seem to be better kept. Once you have names, there are many agencies and resources that can be of help.

If you are on this quest, I wish you good luck and success. If you are among the keeper of secrets, I implore you to consider the consequences of your silence.

Until next time . . . . . . . . . . . . .

We are very pleased that our article on Family Secrets was noticed by Newsweek Magazine. This led to an interview and photo in their special feature on Family Secrets - Newsweek issue of February 24, 1997.
 

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